Something that is becoming increasingly apparent to me is how I am metamorphosing as a person since having Marley and becoming “Mommy”. Sometimes I wonder – have I really changed so much or am I simply a new person altogether? Is that okay? What does that mean? What is the difference between being “changed” and being “new”? I have returned from the bottom of the well inexplicably different.
I now enjoy seafood. Those who know me well will attest that I am known for being absolutely petrified of seafood of any kind. Cooking shrimp? I’ll hide in the corner. Going to the Greek Taverna? I’ll stick to the dips and fried cheese, thank you very much. I mean, fish really isn’t food, is it?! Fast-foward to last night’s discussion about meal planning for the week: Nick “What should we eat with our CSA veggies this week”, Sara: “How about we hit the fish market and grill a whole fish or two?” Say whaaaaaat?
I know it sounds bizarre, but I know all this has something to do with my transition to motherhood. Something to do with unconsciously letting go of hang ups and fears – things that never occurred to me should change at all. It’s almost as if someone has hit the reset button on me, or perhaps I had run out of juice and had to be wound up again. Whatever analogy best describes my new approach to life, it is something I find fascinating and perplexing. My priorities, thoughts, and neuroses have been shaken up and spit back out forming a completely new structure that is strangely familiar to me, as if this was the person I was always meant to become. Although life is harder now in many ways, I can see clearly now what is truly important and find it easier to focus on it than ever before.
I continue to be in awe of the extremes of motherhood’s emotions – from the immobilizing sadness I feel after putting Marley to bed or dropping him off at daycare to the intoxicating love that I feel when I nurse him at four in the morning and we hold hands until it’s time to fall asleep just a little while longer.
All I really know is that, whatever this is and whatever it means, I am deeply grateful.